relationships

Words are the best form of outlet.. especially when you have no idea how to express them. Who woulda known? The calmest mountains are always the ones to explode with the highest magnitude; the happiest people hide such overwhelming sadness behind their overshadowing broad smiles. Im such a huge failure when it comes to relationships.. to come to date, i have never succeeded in a relationship before... familial, friendships to deeper relationships with girls. My brother dislikes me, im like a wild child to my parents who appears occasionally in their lifes just to fulfil a familial obligation? I feel guilty even to spend their money.. when i know i havent been filling the void of a son in their life. Im ashamed of myself, Im guilty, and im disappointed that i never seem to be able to keep a happy relationship with anyone i establish a close relationship with. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I try so hard to make things right with people around me, but i just do not understand why there is this magic barrier that impedes any progress i make, one step forward and I WILL go two steps back. Its a universal process in my life, that keeps fucking repeating itself over and over and OVER AGAIN. im so fuckin sick of all this bullshit, im so fuckin sick of myself, im so fuckin sick of this life. Friendships.. I dont even want to remember how many people i have hurt this year alone, so many conflicts... NCC... as if 1 wasnt enough.. I wished so fervently that i can turn back the clock, but thats all besides the point, because we are meant to grow from these. My relationships with the few ever close girls in my life.. i dont even know how to fuckin start with. How i wished i didnt even get involved in the 1st place, and again i pray so hard that i can just turn back the bloody clock and set things right once and for all, but gawd its all meant to be and no point crying over spilt fuckin milk now. Serene, if only you were reading this... I wish you all the best in life and i know.. nothing is gonna make up for the awesomely bad timing, lack of affinity, and my plain dumb outcries for love. Im so sorry for causing you so much distress, but i just hope that you will see me waiting long enough at the bus-stop with an umbrella in my hand to be able to understand just seriously how much i wish you were here with me. i wish i didnt even knew you in the 1st place. But yet, there is always a reason behind everything, be it of a higher-calling or just coincidence but you had to fatefully appear in my life. To teach me who i am? Or just a cruel coincidence played out by god? And jingwen, i know there would be no fuckin chance in hell you could have chanced upon this blog but my memories of you are just too overwhelming to contain even in the deepest darkest trenches of my heart, god if only you knew how much i still missed you... As a matter of fact, im still trying to get over you, trying so hard to forget you. But for some reason, happy memories of you, scenes of you smiling into my eyes, oh god i would never relinquish for a lifetime of luxury, If only we could just go back to those days when love is so innocent, so sweet i would have chose to stay young forever. Something i can never get back...still.. Days have passed but time will only deepen this hurt. Even your name brings chills up my spine as i reminisce the good times we had, your name just seems ever-existent in the history of my life. 7 letters that mean such a huge deal to me. I have forgotten how it feels like to have a good chat with you, that i dont even know how to start one when i do.

Maybe i was made in a war? With a mentality strong enough to absorb all the unnerving and inevitably sad revelations in my life. I dont blame her for her abscence in my childhood, i finally understand why, i finally accept why, i finally saw her reasons. But guilt is not something we are programmed to deal with properly. Money and materials wont be able to mask the damage you have done me.. but i wouldnt blame you either cos the time would have numbed everything anyway, and thank god.... i wouldnt have known how to deal with the revelation either. And im sorry for stirring so much up with that incident.. And to serene, i understand why now. sry after all this.